You know in your Heart (in Truth) you don't have any real existence for your beginning is in ignorance and your end is in wisdom. Composed of three guNas, impure, you don't recognize your origin in Shakti, the Power of the One Brahman to be Many.
The world experience you create is for your own purification and eventual destruction. Impelled by rajas you rise and project the world through force of vAsanas (past habits), and when thirst for the guNa enjoyment arises you bind your true nature Purusha to the guNas and imagine pleasure and suffering.
Senses pleased and ego stroked you take for happiness and friendship, and lust for love...
Recall the BhartRhari nItishataka
निन्दन्तु नीति निपुणा: यदि वा स्तुवन्तु
लक्ष्मी: समाविशतु गच्छतु वि यथेष्टं ।
अद्यैववा मरणमस्तु युगान्तरे वा
न्याय्यात्पथ: प्रविचलन्ति पदं न धीरा: ॥
Whether those skilled in ethics praise them or deride them,
Whether the Goddess of Wealth resides with them or departs according to Her will,
Whether death comes today or after a Yuga,
The wise do not deviate from the path of righteousness.
Recall the LalitA sahasranAma stotram
अन्तर्मुख समाराढ्या बहिर्मुख सुदुर्लभा
To the inward turned mind She is easy to access and to the one of outgoing mind She is very hard to find.
When will you become immune to both pravRtti and nivRtti, rest in your Heart and and see the Self everywhere at all times, and not rise in ignorance any more?
Have you not tired of samsAra and attained guNavaitrShnyam (dispassion for the guNas)?
Recall the Yoga SUtra II.15
परिणाम ताप संस्कारदु:खै: गुणवृत्ति विरोधाच्च दु:खमेव सर्वं विवेकिन:
The wise see all experience as suffering arising from the transformation of samskAras to unhappiness and by the conflict between the guNas.
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